Letters from the Bunker: Quarantine Power Rankings
Greetings from quarantine. With the absence of OKC Thunder games, events, transactions or news, a basketball writer’s mind starts to wander. Gone are the rational days of recapping a game, so what can we whip up to stir the creative juices and satisfy the desire to create content?
Well, I’m a list maker. And I cover the Thunder. And I’m in quarantine. Huh, I wonder which Thunder players would be the best and worst to be quarantined with for a few months. It was a simple equation that led us here.
I present to you…
Thunder Player Quarantine Power Rankings
15. Steven Adams
Pros: He plays the guitar. He’s hilarious. He’s completely laid back and chill. And in a worst case scenario of quarantine times turning to martial law times, there isn’t a single person alive, save maybe Chuck Norris, you’d rather be your roomie than Khal Aquaman Drogo.
Cons: He’d eat all my food on day 1 of quarantine and I’d die.
14. Isaiah Roby
Pros: We’d have a lot to talk about because I literally don’t know a thing about him.
Cons: Things are gonna get awkward because I literally don’t know a thing about him.
13. Deonte Burton
Pros: I can finally find out what happened in the locker room that night that caused him to be suspended back in early December.
Cons: What if his conduct is detrimental to our quarantine??
12. Abdel Nader
Pros: If there’s one guy on the team who loves to iso-late, it’s Abdel.
Cons: We’re gonna have ourselves a dramatic Big Brother reality show moment if he delves into my past articles and Tweets to see what I’ve written about him.
11. Hamidou Diallo
Pros: Given his 18.6% career 3 point percentage, I’d smoke him in all our driveway basketball court shooting contests.
Cons: I’d be used as a prop for all his practice dunks and eventually end up with Hami’s diballos in my face.
10. Mike Muscala
Pros: It’s not all that well known, but Moose loves to rap. Without sports, new movies or any more Joe Exotic shenanigans to watch, any form of entertainment is in high demand.
Cons: Unfortunately, he’s more Machine Gun Kelly and less Eminem.
9. Nerlens Noel
Pros: He signed with the Thunder for the veteran minimum two straight years when he could have made more money elsewhere, so he’s obviously willing to sacrifice for the greater good. Also, my man is gonna straight up block COVID-19 from ever entering our house.
Cons: He’s a big New England Patriots and Tom Brady fan. Gross. We will be a shelter-at-home divided.
8. Lu Dort
Pros: It’s Lu Dort. No further explanation needed.
Cons: I know what kind of money two-way contract players make. Since the season ended before he got his full NBA contract, he won’t be able to contribute to the quarantine food fund.
7. Dennis Schröder
Pros: If this quarantine ends up turning into a Walking Dead type situation where you have to go on food and supply runs and outrun flesh eating zombies, I’ll be shacking with the fastest guy on the team. And he probably knows how to make a wienerschnitzel.
Cons: Every time I try to record a Daily Thunder social media update, he will 100% video bomb me and probably pour ice cold water on my head. Also, the human brain only has a certain capacity of hearing the word “tuff” before it shuts down.
6. Danilo Gallinari
Pros: I could finally have someone to translate that Michael Corleone and Sollozzo restaurant scene from The Godfather for me. My quarantine fashion would be on point. I bet he’d let me Facetime with Giorgio Armani. And the Italian dishes he’d cook – delizioso, Danilo!
Cons: Spending so much time with a man so much taller, so much more talented, so much richer, so much better looking, and with a much sexier accent than me will do irreparable harm to my ego.
5. Terrance Ferguson
Pros: I think with his frame, TFerg can live on a can of beans and a cup of Ramen a day. Perfect partner for food rationing. As a fellow Oklahoman, we can spend hours a day chatting about our love of Hanson, the Land Run, scissor tailed flycatchers, and Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals.
Cons: He’s so gun shy and afraid to shoot. If we get any looters coming to the door, I’m gonna need a roomie with that Dion Waiters mentality.
4. Darius Bazley
Pros: He honestly just seems like the goofiest, friendliest guy. It’d be less like hanging out with an intimidating famous celebrity athlete and more like hanging out with your endearingly sweet nephew.
Cons: According to his latest TikTok, he’s learning to play the drums.
3. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
Pros: I’d learn some dope new dance moves with all the TikTok videos he records. He could take me under his wing and be the Patrick Swayze to my Jennifer Gray. Okay, bad analogy.
Cons: Canadian bacon is my least favorite pizza topping of all time, so he better not even try it.
2. Andre Roberson
Pros: Dre is the most down to earth and sweetest player you’ll ever meet. Feels like he’d be anyone’s best friend after any time spent quarantined together. And I could pull a Woj and post Roberson injury update news before anyone else. Rahbombs!
Cons: He’d probably use his knee as an excuse to get out of doing any of the household chores.
1. Chris Paul
Pros: He’s made more money than every other player on this list combined, so we’ll have all the food, supplies and toilet paper we need. He’ll have zero interest in eating beef, chicken or pork, so the good stuff is all mine. His second-to-none leadership skills could be important in trying times. And imagine finding out inside info behind the banana boat, the almost Clippers locker room brawl and Harden’s man boobs.
Cons: When it’s time to Netflix, I’m gonna want to catch up on Ozark or re-watch Tiger King to piece together clues for Don Lewis’s disappearance. But he’d make me watch that plant-based diet documentary he produced, Game Changers. More like channel changer.